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  • Writer's pictureAubrey Clyburn


Updated: Jul 26, 2020

Look, we've all been there. It's a beautiful Saturday morning, no one else is awake, you're a college-age pseudo-adult with a lot of allergies, and you want some pancakes. So you head to the vast untamed glory of the internet for a recipe that promises to be quick and easy, even for a hopeless cook like you! With just a few simple ingredients, you'll be whipping up flapjacks for the whole house in no time.


· ½ cup almond flour (the expensive one)

· ¼ cup coconut flour

· 1/8 cup rice flour

· 1/16 cup flower flour

· ¼ cup arrowroot starch (it doesn’t matter what this is)

· 1/19 tsp xanthan gum

· ¼ tsp salt

· 1 tbsp Swuvia™ Negative-Calorie Organic Natural Sweetener

· 1/3 cup plant-based milk of your choice! (A lie. Triple this.)

· 1 egg. Or, if you’re not some kind of monster, 1 flax egg. Don’t know how to make a flax egg? Aw, sweetie. Here’s a link. We’ll wait.

· 5 cups shredded zucchini

· 2 tbsp tears of a fallen angel

· add-ins of your choice! (Chocolate chips. The whole bag.)

· 1 package gluten-free frozen waffles


1) Read the blogger’s dissertation, autobiography, and collected works.

2) In separate bowls, carefully add some of the ingredients together, but not the ones you’d think, and not in that order.

2a) Just kidding. Dump everything in one bowl and stir it up with a big spoon.

2b) It’s thick. Why is it so thick? It’s practically dry. It’s like biscuit dough.

2c) Add, like, a bunch more almond milk. Stir.

3) The batter should have reached a “densely pourable” consistency. It hasn’t really, but you’re going to pretend it has.

4) Ah, crap. You forgot to heat up the griddle. Who are you kidding? You don’t have a griddle. Spray some PAM in a skillet and heat that sucker up.

5) Pour approximately ¼ cup of batter into the skillet. For this step, read: scrape a couple spoonfuls of dough into the skillet and use the spoon to squish it into a pancake shape.

6) You forgot the chocolate chips. Come on now. Press a few into the top of your cooking pancake.

7) Once the edges of the pancake begin pleasantly bubbling, gracefully flip your pancake so it can cook until both sides are a scrumptious golden brown.

7a) Hey, why isn’t your pancake bubbling? Huh? Why aren’t there cheerful bubbles around the edges of your sad pile of messed-up biscuit dough?

7b) Flip your “pancake”. Not only will it refuse to flip, but one side is completely black, while the rest is utterly raw. You find yourself scrambling your pancake in an attempt to salvage this mess.

8) Well, the first pancake is always rough. Put that abomination on a plate and try again.

9) Repeat steps 5-8.

10) Repeat steps 5-8.

11) Repeat steps 5-8. Repeat steps 5-8. Repeat steps 5-8…

12) Stop. Okay? Just stop. Listen to me. It’s okay to give up. It’s okay not to be good at everything. An honorable surrender is better than a foolish defeat. The smoke alarm has a hair trigger and your roommate is still asleep; I am begging you, put the spatula down.

13) Now you have a plate full of warm, shapeless, partly-burnt pancake matter. Maybe syrup will help? It doesn’t. You eat your syrupy dough, sniffling softly and wondering where you went wrong.

14) Toast a couple of the waffles and eat those with syrup. God, they’re good. Why didn’t you start with this? Throw some peanut butter in the leftover dough and make ‘em into cookies. 350 for like ten minutes. Boom. Eat all of them.

15) In a bold testament to the infallibility of the human spirit, having learned nothing, try again next weekend.


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1 Comment

Jonathan Geffner
Jonathan Geffner
Jun 28, 2022

I'll pass this on to my daughter who needs to be strictly gluten free. Thanks!

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